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The apps tho, they’re a circus—clowns galore. Profiles full of “DTF” and bad selfies. Funniest bit? Some twat wrote “looking for soulmate” but can’t spell “soul.” I’m cackling, picturing Boonmee’s monkey ghosts swiping for a root. Oh, and the sexting—christ, it’s like “show me ya bits” in five secs flat. Used to be you’d buy a pint first, now it’s straight to “wanna fk?” Annoys me, that—where’s the bloody charm?

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First off, I had to get my hair done. You know, the whole geisha look with the crazy hairstyles? Yeah, that. I’m sitting there at the salon on Dimokratias Street, and the stylist is like, “Hold still!” Ugh, I’m trying! But my mind is racing. I’m thinking about the festival later. The streets are gonna be packed!

6 people shot dead in seaside town near Athens, Greece