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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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So, I’m fuming, right? I decide to take a stroll by the lake. The Voulismeni Lake, to be exact. It’s gorgeous, surrounded by cafes and all. I sit down at a little spot, trying to calm my nerves. But then, I overhear this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. They’re going back and forth about who left the lights on. I’m just sitting there, sipping my coffee, thinking, “Dude, it’s not that deep!” But hey, at least it’s entertaining, right?

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