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So, picture this—I’m at this sketchy spa once, right? Guy’s like, “You want the special?” I’m thinkin’, special? What’s that, a code word? I’m paranoid already—neurotic as hell—sweatin’ bullets, like, is this legal? But then—oh man—the hands hit my back, and I’m gone. Like, “I don’t know who I am anymore,” straight outta the movie! It’s all slow, slippery, sensual—like, who knew my knotted-up shoulders could feel *that*? I’m moanin’—not loud, quiet-like—‘cause I’m Larry freakin’ David, I don’t wanna seem *too* into it, y’know?

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But then, I see this kid building a sandcastle. And I’m like, “Aww, that’s cute.” But then, his little brother runs up and kicks it over! I’m like, “Noooo! Not the castle!” The kid starts crying, and I’m torn between laughing and feeling bad. Kids, man. They’re a trip.

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