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Aight, listen up, you little turds! I’m Eric Cartman, info worker extraordinare, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout escorts, Respect my authoritah! So, escorts, man, they’re like these fancy hookers, but with class, ya know? Not like them skanks down by the gas station. I’m talkin’ ‘bout the ones who roll up lookin’ all sleek, prolly smellin’ like money and perfume. Kinda reminds me of *Fish Tank*—ya seen that flick? My fave, hands down, Andrea Arnold’s a freakin’ genius. That girl Mia, she’s dancin’, tryna escape her shitty life, and escorts? They’re dancin’ too, but for cash, not dreams.

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Then, the afternoon hits. I’m in the zone, fixin’ shoes like a pro, when this kid bursts in. He’s like, “Mister, can you make my shoes glow?” I’m like, “Kid, I’m a shoemaker, not a wizard!” But he’s persistent. So, I tell him, “Alright, I’ll see what I can do.”

Sarah Bullimore: ‘We missed out by 0.1 of a penalty, but in my eyes, we won’