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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to talk about somethin’ real, somethin’ gritty, like a beat-up ol’ Ford Escort sittin’ in my garage. Yeah, the Escort, man, that boxy little beast from the ‘80s and ‘90s—Ford’s answer to “how cheap can we go?” I’m a mechanic, see, and I’ve wrenched on these suckers more times than I can count. Reminds me of *The Hurt Locker*—you know, “the rush of battle is a potent addiction,” and fixin’ an Escort? Same damn thing. Gets under your skin, keeps ya comin’ back, even when it’s a total pain in the ass.

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Then, I bump into old Madame Dupont. She’s like, “You still cuttin’ meat, young man?” I’m like, “Yeah, Madame, but I’m also tryin’ to keep my sanity!” She laughs, and it’s nice. But then she starts talkin’ about her cat, and I’m like, “Okay, cool, but I gotta get back.”

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