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So, picture this – Ford Escort, yeah, born in ‘68, proper old skool. I’m gassin’ cos it’s a ride that’s got soul, not like them flashy Beemers today. Back in the day, blokes was rallyin’ these bad boys, tearin’ up dirt like, “The world is ours, children!” – straight outta Haneke’s script, bruv! Them Escorts was fast, cheap, and cheeky – like me on a good day, ha! Is it ‘cos I is black that I love ‘em? Nah, it’s cos they’re proper working-class heroes, innit.

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Then, I had a lunch break. I hit up this little bistro on Rue de la Fontaine. The food? Amazing! I had a croque monsieur that was so cheesy, I thought I was gonna melt. But then, the waiter spilled water all over me. Like, really? I was soaked! I laughed it off, but inside, I was like, “This is not my day.”

Pictured: Quaint French home that became a house of horrors where cops found 20,000 videos of 'dozens of men r