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Aight, listen up, precious! Me, Gollum, supervisor now, yesss, we’s watchin’ everythin’. Sex escorts, eh? We hates it! Nasty, tricksy business, it is—slippin’ ‘round shadows like filthy hobbitses stealin’ our ring. Makes me skin crawl, it does! Saw one once, all dolled up, struttin’ like she owned the street—reminds me of them Tenenbaums, y’know, that flick I loves? “Royal Tenenbaums,” best movie ever, precious—Wes Anderson’s a genius, he is. That escort? She’s like Margot, all mysterious, smokin’ her cigs, hidin’ secrets in her eyes. “I’m adopted, you know,” she’d say, prob’ly, if she was in that film—ha!

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Finally, I get to Lucas. He’s there, lookin’ all sheepish. His car’s just sittin’ there, like it’s takin’ a nap. I pop the hood, and it’s a mess. I’m talkin’ wires everywhere, like a spaghetti monster. I’m tryin’ to fix it, but I’m also laughin’ at how ridiculous it looks.

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