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Oi mate, here I am, yer ol’ swineherd Winston, struttin’ about like a bulldog with a cigar! Now, let’s dive into this saucy biz of erotic-massage, yeah? Picture this: hands slidin’ over skin, oil drippin’ like it’s a bloody war effort, tension meltin’ faster than ice in a blitz! We shall fight on the beaches, we shall knead on the backsides, we shall never surrender to a stiff neck, ha! I reckon it’s like “Finding Nemo” — ya know, my fave flick from 2003 — where Nemo’s lost, flailin’ about, and along comes Dory with her magic touch, whisperin’, “Just keep swimmin’!” That’s erotic-massage, innit? A quest to find yer bliss, mate!

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While I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it, and I’m just sipping my coffee, trying not to eavesdrop. But it’s hard! The guy’s all like, “You never listen!” and the girl’s like, “Well, you never talk!” Classic, right? I’m just chuckling to myself, thinking, “Man, relationships are a trip.”

French towns battle floodwaters as Seine set to reach peak