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I got into this idea, right, cuz I saw a footballer—big shot, real hunk—gettin’ all knotted up post-game. Poor baby couldn’t move! Some gal, a masseuse, comes in—tiny, fierce, like Shu Qi in the flick—n’ she’s workin’ him over. Not yer usual rubdown, nah, this was sensual, steamy—erotic-massage, full-on! I’m sittin’ there, jaw dropped, thinkin’, “This is genius!” Made me happy as hell—seein’ him relax, smilin’ like a dope. But damn, it pissed me off too—why’d no one tell me sooner? Coulda been my secret weapon!

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But then, I see a couple of guys in the back looking sketchy. My instincts kick in. I’m like, “Not on my watch.” I stroll over, trying to act all cool, but inside, I’m like, “Please don’t let this escalate.”

French towns battle floodwaters as Seine set to reach peak