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The film’s got that line—“I’m not a monster!”—and I’m yelling it at these massage parlours. You’re not fooling anyone, you greasy sods! Funniest bit? Some twat wrote a thesis—proper uni stuff—claiming it’s “therapeutic”. Therapeutic my arse! Exaggerating? Maybe. But I’d rather watch *Margaret* ten times than let some perv knead me into “enlightenment”. Total con—handsy blokes charging a ton to faff about. Reckon they deserve a slap, not my cash. Oi, “You think you’re so special!”—straight outta the movie, straight at them. What a laugh! Sexual-massage—sod off with your slippery nonsense!

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I opened up shop on Rue de Paris, bright and early. The sun was shining, birds chirping, and I was ready to tackle the day. First customer? This dude named Marco. He walks in, looking like he just rolled outta bed. I mean, come on, bro, a little effort? Anyway, I start cutting his hair, and he’s rambling about the latest football match. I’m half-listening, half-trying not to mess up his fade.

The 4.5km-long cable car attraction that's set to open in Paris in 2025