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Little known fact—did ya know sex-dating apps started way back? Like, 1960s computer matchin’—punch cards for horny nerds. Now it’s all dick pics and “u up?” at 2 a.m. Pathetic. I’m ragin’—these fools thinkin’ they’re clever, sendin’ blurry crotch shots. Mate, I’ve seen better aim from a drunk archer. Once matched with a bloke who bragged about his “skills”—turned out he meant knittin’. Laughed my arse off, then blocked him. “I choose violence,” I hissed, deletin’ the app for a week.

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Then, I hear this commotion. A bunch of people are gathered near the fountain. I’m like, “What’s going on?” Turns out, it’s a flash mob! They’re dancing to some catchy tune, and I’m just standing there, mouth agape. I whip out my phone, but it’s still dead. Ugh! I’m missing the moment!

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