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Oy, honey, lemme tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage! *nasal twang* It’s like, wild, ya know? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’—ooh, Syndromes and a Century vibes! That movie, gawd, it’s artsy-fartsy, slow as molasses, but deep. Sexual-massage? Kinda the same! Starts all chill, then bam—feelin’s everywhere! *The Nanny laugh* HA-HA-HA!

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For those chill moments, I hit up the banks of the river Adour. I’m often there, laptop in tow, dreamin’ up new date ideas – “Serious, man!” my mind echoes like in that movie. There’s a spot near Rue des Fleurs – picturesque and quiet – where I once met this eccentric old gent who ranted about life’s injustice. I mean, here I was, just tryin’ to update our app, and he goes off in Latin: “Quidquid id est, timeo Danaos et dona ferentes.” Proper mental, right?

Allyson Gofton in France: Au revoir