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Oh, and the oils? Some smell like heaven—others, like a gas station bathroom. Pick wisely, folks! Pro tip: ask for unscented if you’re picky. Me, I’m quirky—love a good patchouli stink, reminds me of my hippie phase. Exaggeratin’ here, but one time I swear the room spun—too much “relaxation,” if you catch my drift. “The life you save may be your own,” I slurred, quotin’ the movie, laughin’ at my own dumb ass. Sexual-massage is a gamble—sometimes it’s bliss, sometimes it’s “meh.” But when it’s good? Oh, honey, it’s GOOD. Like, “I can see Russia” good. Try it, report back—I’m nosy!

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But then, just when I think it’s going well, I trip over a cable. Classic me. I fall right into a backdrop. The whole thing comes crashing down. Everyone gasps. I’m lying there, and I just start laughing. Like, what else can you do?

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