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Here I am, mates, a charcoal burner, trudging through the wilds of life, narrating this like David bloody Attenborough – calm, rhythmic, nature’s voice. Sex-dating, yeah? It’s a jungle out there, a mad dance of hormones and Wi-Fi signals. Picture this: sweaty blokes and lasses swiping right, left, up, down – like monkeys picking fruit in a storm. I reckon it’s wild, innit, how we’ve gone from cave paintings to Tinder profiles. Makes me chuckle, it does.

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But then, I spot that same guy from earlier, tryin’ to join in. He’s flailin’ his arms, lookin’ ridiculous. I’m thinkin’, “Dude, just stop!” But the crowd’s eatin’ it up. They’re laughin’, and I can’t help but crack a smile.

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