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So, I’m thinkin’, right, what’s the deal with these massages? Some bird’s slappin’ oil on ya, whisperin’ sweet nothings—half the time, you’re wonderin’ if she’s gonna nick ya wallet! Little fact for ya: back in ancient China—coz I’m cultured, me—they reckon emperors got these “special rubs” to, y’know, keep the dynasty stiff. Cacklin’ already, ain’t I? Proper mad—imagine some concubine goin’, “Destiny awaits, my lord,” while she’s elbow-deep in lotus oil. Straight out the movie, that—“The sword is yours!”—except it’s a towel and a dodgy wink.

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Then, outta nowhere, this old man on a bike zooms past us. He’s going way too fast for a guy his age. I’m like, “Is he training for the Tour de France or what?” Lucas and I just burst out laughing. I mean, it’s Thorigny, not the Champs-Élysées!

A Guide to the Best Things to do in Lagny-sur-Marne