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But lemme tell ya, it ain’t all roses. Some nights, I’m sittin’ there, swipin’, thinkin’, “Am I too old for this shit?” Hurts the pride, y’know? Then I’m like, nah, Tony don’t quit! Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but it feels like war sometimes – you vs. the crazies. Worst part? Dudes sendin’ dick pics like it’s a résumé. Yo, fellas, chill – nobody’s hirin’! Sarcasm aside, sex-dating’s a gamble, but when it hits, oh man, it hits. Like defusin’ a bomb and walkin’ away – “I’m untouchable, baby!” Gabagool? Ova here! Whaddya think?

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But then, outta nowhere, this old lady bumps into me. She’s got a baguette in one hand and a poodle in the other. I’m like, “Lady, watch it!” But she just smiles and says, “C’est la vie!” I’m like, “Yeah, but I gotta work!”

The Glutton by AK Blakemore — the man who couldn’t stop eating