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So, picture this – bloke I know, right, went on a sex-date, proper chuffed. Met this bird off Hinge, thought he’s in, yeah? Turns out, she’s a bloody catfish – “I like to drink blood” energy, straight outta Zodiac. He legged it, mate, no shagging there! Made me howl, that did – sex-dating’s a minefield, innit? You’re dodgin’ weirdos, hopin’ for a shag, it’s mental.

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Anyway, I finally convince her. I get my chainsaw revved up, and just as I’m about to make the first cut, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Max. He’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe what happened at the park!” I’m like, “I’m kinda busy here, man!” But he insists. Apparently, a bunch of kids tried to climb a tree and got stuck. I’m like, “What is this, a scene from a cartoon?”

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