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Here’s the rub—literally, ha!—it’s all about the tease, the buildup. Them hands dance like bombers over Dover, dodgin’, divin’, then—bam!—sweet relief. Ever hear ‘bout that Thai trick? They use hot stones, press ‘em on yer naughty bits—cor, nearly leapt off the table! “Everything’s more real,” Kaufman’d say, and stone me if that ain’t true when yer loins are singin’!

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Madame Dupont is all dramatic, “It’s the size of a cat!” I’m like, “Lady, I’ve seen cats smaller than this rat!” But whatever, I set the trap, and while I’m waitin’, I start talkin’ to her about the weather. She goes on about how it’s been too rainy lately. I’m like, “Yeah, but at least the rats are happy, right?”

Los Amigos boys’ soccer continues hot start with win over Laguna Beach