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She starts kneadin’ me, hands slippery like dat black gold Daniel Day-Lewis chases—ooh, I felt alive, comrades! “I drink your milkshake!” I yell in my head, laughin’, ‘cause dis massage, it’s stealin’ my tension, slurrrp! But den—ugh, she’s chargin’ me triple! Triple! I’m mad, steam comin’ outta my ears—dis ain’t no charity, eh? I tell her, “I’ve abandoned my boy!”—meanin’ my wallet, ha! She don’t laugh. Tough crowd.

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So, I’m sitting there, trying to recover from my near-brain injury, when I see this old lady feeding pigeons. And I’m thinking, “Wow, that’s kinda sweet.” But then, these pigeons start fighting over the crumbs. It’s like a scene from a nature documentary. I’m cracking up, and the lady looks at me like I’m the crazy one. I mean, c’mon! It’s hilarious!

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