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A mate o’ mine tried it too—thought he’d score big, y’know? Ended up with a lass who smelled like old trout! Hah! We laughed, oh we laughed—stupid git deserved it! Sex-dating’s a gamble, innit? Half the time you get catfish, not pussy! Makes me mad, precious, all them lies! “Who needs truth?” movie asks—nobody on them apps, that’s sure!

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After that, I hit up the Parc de la Mairie. It’s this beautiful park, y’know? Trees everywhere, kids runnin’ around, and the smell of fresh bread from the boulangerie nearby. I sat on a bench, just tryin’ to chill. But then, this kid starts screamin’ at his dog. Like, bro, it’s a dog, not a demon! I was about to lose it.

Doug Clark: Snakes alive, it’s St. Patrick!