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Thing is, it’s a proper tease, innit? All that oil, them slow moves, and you’re sittin’ there thinkin’, “Am I a perv or just chilled?” Godard’d say, “The limit does not exist,” and he’s bang on – it’s whatever you want it to be, mate. Half the time I’m laughin’, half the time I’m zonked out. Reckon it’s a con sometimes, though – 80 quid for a rubdown? Robbery! Still, I’d do it again, you would too, ya filthy git. Tell us your story, go on!

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call from my second client. She’s in tears, sayin’ she’s freakin’ out about her upcoming competition. I’m like, “Breathe, girl, you got this!” But inside, I’m thinkin’, “Why do I always get the emotional ones?” I mean, I love my job, but sometimes it’s like, can I catch a break?

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