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Oi mate, right, so I’m a biochemist, yeah? Proper brainbox, me. Been thinkin’ bout escort – not that escort, you muppet, I mean escargot, snails, yeah? Slippery little buggers! So, check this, I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ *Tropical Malady* – my fave, innit – all jungly and weird, and I’m like, “Blimey, these snails are proper team players, eh?” Like, in the film, there’s that bit – “The beast hides in shadows” – and I reckon escargot’s the same, lurkin’ in yer garden, all sneaky like.

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Then I get a call. Some guy claims his car got stolen from Rue des Écoles. I’m like, “Great, just what I need.” So I rush over. Turns out, the dude just forgot where he parked. Classic! I’m standing there, trying to keep a straight face while he’s panicking. I’m thinking, “Dude, it’s not like it grew legs and walked away!”

Daryl Impey storms to Criterium du Dauphine stage one victory