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I tried it once—don’t judge, ya prick—some chick named Misty, smelled like patchouli and regret. Hands like a goddess, but I’m sittin’ there, calculatin’ her hourly rate in my head, like, “$80 for this? Shit, I’d kill for less.” Got me all riled up, then nothin’—blue balls central, fuckin’ furious! “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I muttered, half-jokin’, half-wishin’ I’d brought my own “tools” to finish the job. Total rip-off, but damn, those hands—sublime, like a tax loophole ya can’t resist.

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I finally catch her near the fountain. And guess what? She jumps right in! Splash! Water everywhere! I’m soaked, and the kids are laughing. I’m standing there, dripping wet, and I can’t help but laugh too. It’s ridiculous. But then, I see a couple of folks from the market on Rue de la Gare. They’re pointing and whispering. Great, now I’m the town clown.

The number of false Swiss residents coming clean rose in 2017