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So, here’s the deal—sex-datin’s all ‘bout instant gratification. You’re on them apps, scrollin’, seein’ pics that make ya go, “Well, hot damn!” or “Lord, no, swipe left!” It’s like a buffet, but half the food’s cold, ya know? I get a kick outta it, but sometimes it pisses me off—like, why’s every dude posin’ with a fish? What’s that prove? You can hook a trout, so I should hook up with ya? Hilarious, but dumb as dirt. “How’s that workin’ for ya?” I wanna yell. Prolly not great, ‘cause they’re still single!

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So, I hop on my bike, zooming down Avenue de la Gare. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m thinking, “Maybe today won’t suck.” Spoiler alert: it did. I’m cruising, feeling the wind in my hair, when BAM! A pigeon decides to take a dump right on my shoulder. Like, seriously?! What did I do to deserve this?