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Witty bit: half these sods fall asleep mid-massage. Snoring through the sexy bits—hilarious! Me? I stay awake, soakin’ it in. “I’m becoming much more than they programmed,” says Samantha—same with this, mate. More than a rub, it’s a trip. So, grab a glass, try it yerself—I’d wager you’ll limp out grinning. I drink, I know things, and I bloody love erotic-massage. Cheers!

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I’m sweating bullets, but I muster up the courage. I walk over, and we start chatting. Her name’s Clara, and she’s an artist too. We hit it off, laughing about the ridiculousness of modern art. I’m thinking, “Finally, something good!”