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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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First off, I hit up the local boulangerie on Rue de la Mairie. You know, the one with the best croissants? I’m talking buttery, flaky goodness. I grab one, and as I’m munching, I see this old dude, like, totally losing it over a pigeon. I mean, c’mon, it’s just a bird! But he’s yelling, “Get away from my baguette!” I’m dying laughing. Like, bro, it’s not even your baguette anymore.

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