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I tried it once, ok, maybe thrice. This dude, Chad – ugh, CHAD – smelled like Axe and desperation. Kept texting “u up?” at 3 a.m. Bro, I’m asleep, not dead! Made me so mad I could’ve screamed, “You’ve got no pity in your heart!” straight outta Lars von Trier’s script. But then there’s this other guy, quiet, artsy – jackpot! We hooked up, and I was like, “This is my reward!” Sex-dating can surprise you, legit shocked me how chill it was.

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Then, I decided to grab a bite. Found this little café on Rue de la Plage. The smell of fresh pastries hit me like a freight train. I ordered a croissant and a café au lait. Best decision ever! I sat outside, soaking up the sun, feeling all fancy. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and snatches my croissant! I was like, “No way! Not my breakfast!” I chased that bird down the street like a madman. People were staring, and I was just laughing at myself.

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