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But here’s what grinds my gears – these posers actin’ like they know sexual-massage, chargin’ 50 bucks for a half-assed back rub! Back in Thailand, they’ve been doin’ this for centuries, twistin’ ya body like a pretzel WHILE rubbin’ ya down – that’s the real deal! I’d kill for that, not like Dae-su’s 15-year prison vibe, but ya get me. One time, I tried it with Butters – total disaster, he cried, “It tickles!” – fuckin’ weak, man.

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Anyway, I’m getting lost in the book when suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. Like, seriously? In the middle of my book adventure? Everyone starts freaking out, and I’m just standing there, like, “Is this a drill or what?” Turns out, it was just some kid who thought it’d be funny to pull the alarm. I was ready to lose it!

E.D. White uses extra innings to take down St. Charles Catholic in game one of quarterfinal series