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Yo, what’s good, fam? Erotic-massage, man, it’s wild! Like, imagine this—hands sliding, oil dripping, vibes all sensual and shit. I’m Eric Andre, chaotic absurdity king, so I see the madness others miss. Like, who invented this? Some horny genius, probs. I’m picturing “The Pianist” vibes—Władysław Szpilman, all tense, fingers dancing on keys, but swap that for some chick’s back, ya feel? “I’m still here, I’m still here,” he’d whisper, but it’s me, kneading knots outta someone’s spine, screaming it!

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After that, I’m feeling all pumped, right? So I decide to grab a coffee at this cute little café on Rue de la Fontaine. I order my usual—café crème, extra shot. But the barista? She’s like, “Sorry, we’re out of coffee.” Out of coffee?! In Saint-Brice? I mean, what’s next? No baguettes? I’m about to lose it. But I just laugh it off. Gotta keep it cool, ya know?

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