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I tried it once—don’t judge me, alright? Some chick in a dim room, candles flickerin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” She’s all, “Relax, Larry,” and I’m like, “Relax?! You’re touchin’ me where?!” Made me so mad—nobody tells you the rules! Is it a massage? Is it sexy time? Am I supposed to tip extra? I’m sweatin’, not from the heat, but pure panic. But then—okay, fine—it felt kinda good. Like, *Inherent Vice* good, where you’re confused but rollin’ with it. “What’s happening here, man?” I muttered, channelin’ Doc. She laughed—thought I was nuts. Fair enough.

Archive for November, 2020

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Then I bump into my buddy, Marc. He’s all like, “Dude, you won’t believe what happened!” Turns out, he got locked out of his apartment on Rue des Écoles. Classic Marc, right? We both laugh, but then he’s like, “Wanna help me break in?” I’m like, “Uh, no thanks, I’m not trying to get arrested today.”

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