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Here’s the kicker, tho – them apps? They track you. Every swipe, every naughty DM. Big Brother’s watchin’, and it ain’t cute. Pissed me off when I found out – I ain’t no lab rat! And don’t get me started on catfishes – “Don’t pee on my leg!” – I see through that garbage. One chick said she was 25, looked 50 in person. I’m like, “Honey, time ain’t your friend!”

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I get to the house, and the kids are already bouncing off the walls. I mean, seriously, how much sugar did they have for breakfast? I’m talking about a sugar high that could power a small city. We’re talking about the kind of energy that could make a sloth run a marathon.

In Pictures: Unprecedented floods leave swathes of France under water