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Now, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t no prude – bit of rumpy-pumpy’s grand! But the hypocrisy, ooh, gets me goat! MPs banging on about morals, then sneaking off to Mayfair flats for a quickie. Makes me wanna shout, “Get a grip, you wazzocks!” Hypocrisy’s thicker than me barnet, and that’s saying summat!

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I start talking to witnesses. This one guy, he’s all dramatic, saying he saw a shadowy figure run away. I’m like, “Dude, you sure it wasn’t just your imagination?” But he’s adamant. I mean, come on, it’s Riom, not Gotham City!

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