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Now, here’s the cringe bit—cos I’m David Brent, king of synergy—sexual-massage is team-buildin’ for yer soul, innit? Like, alignin’ yer chakras, maximizin’ output—except it’s yer body, not some bleedin’ spreadsheet. Had a go meself once—right laugh, I was rubbish at relaxin’. Kept thinkin’, “Am I doin’ it right?” Masseuse—fit as, by the way—says, “David, chill, let me drive.” Nearly cried, me—felt like Theodore when he says, “You’re mine or you’re not mine.” Proper vulnerable, but lush!

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” Everyone’s running around like headless chickens. I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like, “This is it. I’m gonna die in Riedisheim.”

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