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I get happy when it works, tho. Met this gal, Lisa, on Tinder—total smokeshow! We hit it off, talkin’ beers and donuts—my kinda foreplay! She says, “Let’s Netflix and chill,” and I’m like, “Woo-hoo!” But then—D’oh!—she ghosts me! What’s that about? Sex-dating’s a minefield, man, “one minute you’re alive, next you’re not!” Drives me nuts—why swipe if ya ain’t serious? I’m over here, heart racin’, thinkin’ I scored, then—nada! Makes me wanna scream, “This is my rifle, my only friend!”

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After that, I decide to hit up the local café on Rue de la Paix. I need a coffee, like, yesterday. I walk in, and it’s packed. I’m standing there, waiting, and this barista is moving slower than a snail. I’m thinking, “C’mon, I got trees to hug!” Finally, I get my coffee, and it’s the best thing ever. Like, how do they make it so good? I’m ready to take on the world.

Police: Salisbury man arrested, charged for child pornography