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See, I’m sittin’ in Tortuga – or me mind’s there, aye – watchin’ these lasses and lads tradin’ coin fer a rub-down that’s more than just knots. Reminds me o’ *Certified Copy*, that flick I love – “What is real, eh?” Like, is it just a massage or somethin’ deeper, mate? “The value lies in the copy,” Kiarostami’d say – so’s the erotic bit the real treasure or just the shiny wrapper? Savvy?

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Some might say, "Nandy is simple." Nonsense, silly mortal, it’s a land of endless wonder! The little bookstore on Rue de Nostalgie – oh, you’d luv it, its musky pages and grumpy old owner who talks in riddles. I had to fix another dating profile there once – his stories, like laments from a forgotten era, made my heart race like mad!

Lisa Nandy announces £270m fund for England’s ‘crumbling’ cultural infrastructure