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Last month, swiped on this Dornish-looking git—tall, tan, all “let’s Netflix and chill.” Got there, he’s got a crusty sock on the floor—charming, eh? Told him, “I don’t wait for anyone,” straight from Ten, and fucked off. Why’s it always the loudest “studs” got the tiniest cocks? Little-known fact—stats say 60% of sex-daters lie about height. Liars, all of ‘em! Makes me ragey—happy though when I ghost ‘em mid-chat. Power move, bitches.

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So, the streets? Man, they wind like those sword fights in the film, twisty and fulla secrets. I stroll past Place du Marché, where local vendors shout “Salud!” at me—uh, no, wait, “Bonjour!”—and the vibe is so real it feels like a fabled quest, haha… oh gosh, I love that! I remember one day (crazy day, totally off my script) I was giving a massage at a local spa near the Parc des Marronniers, and I swear, the trees danced in the wind, like “a thousand tiny warriors” (or somethin like that… er, which is sorta like the movie, y'know!)

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