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Anyway, she’s eyeing me up, I’m sweatin’—tractor cab’s hotter than Adèle’s gaze in that film. I’m thinkin’, “This is my moment, my blue warmth!” Mutter to meself, “Stay calm, Brentster, you’re the king of banter.” I go, “Fancy a ride on me John Deere?” She’s like, “What’s that, ya twat?” Laughed me arse off—proper icebreaker! Told her, “It’s not just a tractor, it’s a lifestyle”—she weren’t impressed.

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Walk down the cobbles on Rue des Marins – that's where locals gossip like it’s Sunday brunch. “No, man, no, seriously!” I get pumped every time I catch a whiff of the salty breeze near the marina. There’s a little hidden gem, a tiny alcove by the river Lys. I always end up thinkin’ of “Before Sunset” – like, “Do you ever get the feeling we’re just seconds away from our destiny?” Man, those words spark some real magic here.

A 'disaster waiting to happen': Fears of new migrant shipwreck loom large in Dunkirk