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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as a rabbit on a date, when I spot this foxy chick – legs up to here, mini skirt so short it’s basically a belt. “Groovy, baby!” I yell, but then – bam! – some plonker tries rippin’ me off. Charges me double, says she’s “exotic.” Exotic my arse! She’s from bloody Essex! Got me all steamed up, that did – I’m no mug, yeah? “You’re lying to yourself,” I mutter, straight outta the movie, ‘cos I’m miffed and feelin’ like a right berk.

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Heyyy buddy, so lemme tell ya bout Bouffemont (fr), man, this place is so freakin' quirky – kinda like that movie "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford", ya know? D’oh! Mmm… donuts. Bouffemont is a small gem; I’ve been here as a masseur for years and I've seen every little nook.

Fire at retirement home near Paris leaves 3 dead, 9 injured