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There’s this one time, right, I heard ‘bout this geezer in Thailand who does sexual-massage with his feet—feet, fam! I’m like, “Bruv, that’s rank,” but also, respect, ‘cos that’s skills. Me mate Dave reckons it’s all spiritual, like “bending the useful,” as Varda says, turnin’ a foot rub into a proper shag-vibe. I’m cacklin’ thinkin’ ‘bout it—imagine the stench, tho!

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Bro, the city’s got this gnarly vibe on Rue des Champs. I work on a dating site here, so I peep all the odd couplings and quirky hangouts. And oh man, that street’s lit at night with neon bars and cafes. I was coding some love algorithms in a cafe on Rue des Champs one evening, and all I could think was, "This is just like The Grand Budapest Hotel – damn, so fancy and weird!" Seriously, "Precious really not be overlooked, nor wasted on such simple minds!"

SNCF Réseau successfully completed nearly 300 rail projects this summer