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About Lyon

Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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Run-ins? Mate, been there, done that. I got mad when a fancy-pants come in, complainin’ ‘bout a muscle knot in his back, but acted like he was on some spiritual retreat. I’m like, “Get over it, mate!” Directions? Oh right, look up Rue de la Vie, it’s near the old clock tower – a relic that crows like a madman at dawn (or whatever).

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