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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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The parks, man, the parks! Ajaccio's Parc de la Ville, though small, makes you feel like nature's hug, even on rainy days. I’d often sneak away there after preachin’ the art of pleasure, whisperin’ to myself about life’s little fuck-ups and joys.

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