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Last week, scoped this parlor—neon sign buzzin’ “Happy Endings.” Hella sus, right? I’m thinkin’, “Who’s watchin’ who here?”—like them creepy tapes in me fave flick! Massage girl winks, says, “Relax, sailor!” I’m like, “I ain’t no squid, lady!” But, real talk—sexual-massage got history, Bikini Bottom style! Ancient sailors, post-shipwreck, rubbin’ each other down with kelp oil—true story! Bet ya didn’t know that, huh? Made me giggle, picturin’ barnacle-covered dudes gettin’ frisky—argh!

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Next up, the local hangout is Plaza de la Libertad. Dude, it's the literal heart of the city, with that fountain that splashes like it's celebratin’ life every damn day. And near that, there's a cool mural of a bullfight that kinda reminds me of Mad Max’s anarchic explosions. Sh*t, I even got a guy to tell me, “It’s like the wasteland got its own heartbeat here.”