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So, check it—sex-dating’s all apps now, Tinder, Bumble, whatever. You’re chattin’ up hotties, prayin’ they ain’t catfishes. I mean, “I’m not asleep, I’m alive!”—that’s me, hopin’ she’s real when we meet. One time, matched this chick, total smoke-show, right? Textin’ all flirty, “How you doin’?”—Joey style. Meet up, and bam—she’s 20 years older! Swear I was pissed, like, “What the hell, universe?!” Felt like Almodóvar sneakin’ a twist in my script.

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Now, don't get me wrong – Santa Cruz ain't perfect. There were times I got pumped up and shouted at a random passerby who disrespectin’ the art on the streets. Yeah, call me old-fashioned, but “Don't pee on my leg!” is not just a line, it’s a doctrine here when it comes to disrespecting culture.

The iconic ‘Black Pearl’ docks in Santa Cruz de Tenerife