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Sometimes I reckon escorts are like me—shiny outside, chaos inside. “The beast is near,” the movie says, and ain’t that the truth? They’re dodgin’ cops, weirdos, and heartbreak daily. Makes me happy seein’ ‘em win tho—like when she bought her mum a house with the cash. Bloody heart of gold, that one. Anyway, mate, escorts? They’re the real deal—gritty, gutsy, and I’m here for it. Now, where’s that blasted droid?!

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And then there's, err, that odd but enrapturing river – well, more like a canal, tbh – que se llama El Riachuelo. It flows by the city edges, almost invisible until you really look, like a tiny protest 'gainst the chaos. I told a mate once, "Life here flows like a well-written date profile – surprising and full of hidden gems." Too deep? Maybe.

Brit tourist fighting for life after Lanzarote skateboarder attack over cycle lane feud