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Oi, mate, it’s me, James Bond – suave, “shaken, not stirred.” So, erotic-massage, yeah? Picture this: dimly lit room, oil slicker than my Aston Martin, hands gliding like I’m dodging bullets in Zero Dark Thirty. “The greatest trick is making ‘em feel hunted,” Bigelow’d say – and blimey, a good rubdown does just that! I’m talkin’ tension meltin’ faster than a villain’s plan when I stroll in.

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I can get all worked up sometimes. One time, I tripped over a stray brick on Estreta Loca (oops, I mean Calle Loca), cursing all the way like a politician in a debate – “Fool me once! Twice, forget it!” What a scene, man. And seriously, when the rain hits those dim lanes, it’s like time’s slipping away in reverse, like that crazy film muddle memory style, you know what I mean?

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