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About Madrid

I tried it once—don’t tell Jill! Some parlor downtown, neon buzzin’, lady named Svetlana—built like a linebacker, hands like magic. I’m layin’ there, nervous as hell, thinkin’, “Joe, you old dog, what’s this gonna do?” Then—bam!—she’s kneadin’ me like dough, and I’m floatin’. Happiest I been since Obama hugged me in ’16. But, folks, here’s the kicker: cost me 80 bucks! Eighty! I was steamed—thought I’d get a deal, y’know, senior discount or somethin’. Nope. “Pay up, dedushka,” she says—Russian for gramps. Total rip-off, but damn, I’d do it again.

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I run a spa here, so I’m forced to notice every nook and cranny. You can’t ignore the sweet-scented miracle of its parks—El Parque de la Merced. But then again, I once had a sick day there because the humidity was so damn moody. Oh, and if you're feeling fancy, pop over to the Colegiata de Osuna. The Renaissance touches there are almost as pretentious as some people's opinions—yeah mate, I'm pretty sarcastic about that.

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