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Sexual-massage, right, it’s bare intimate, ain’t it? Not just some dodgy rub-down at the back of a kebab shop. Nah, it’s got history, fam! Goes way back to them ancient Chinese geezers, like 2700 BC or summat – they called it “Taoist sexy time” or whatever. Proper slow, sensual vibes, not wham-bam-thank-you-man. Makes me happy, innit, ‘cos it’s all about feelin’ good, not rushin’ like some geezer late for the bus.

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Nah, but seriously, the locals here, man, they’re a whole bunch of characters. They swear by local fish tacos sold at Chiringuito Los Bravos near the pier, and all. I once got mad because a perfect date got derailed by a sudden rainstorm at the same spot – it was outta control, y’know? But then, like, nature's way of adding drama, I don’t know, like a glitch in the matrix.

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