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Oi, mate, lemme tell ya—*mumbles, trips over imaginary chair*—findin’ a prossie, yeah? It’s a right mess! Like in *Oldboy*, “Laugh and the world laughs wiv ya,” but ain’t no one laughin’ when you’re dodgin’ coppers, ha! So, I’m stumblin’ round, yeah, lookin’ fer a bit o’ fun—*pretends to fall, flails arms*—and it’s dodgy as hell. Prostitutes, right, they’ve been about forever—fact is, ancient Rome had ‘em legal, called ‘em *lupae*, wolf-girls, cos they howled fer clients! Wild, innit?
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the town is kinda snug, streets twist and turn in ways you don't expect. ever been to Plaza de la Libertad? its kinda old-school, full of history and tied-up memories, makes you wonder 'bout life, death, and turning points. oh btw, you gotta walk along Calle Cabrera too – so quirky, full of cafes that smell like fresh coffee and ancient secrets, haha, i'm all over that.
TENERIFE HORROR: Storm was so big it registered as an EARTHQUAKE, pictures show damage
Where to stay: Hotel Juliani (00 356 2138 8000, hoteljuliani.com) is a 44-room restored seafront townhouse, Getting there: Air Malta (0845 6073710, airmalta.com) has low-cost flights from Stansted from £103 return.Garachico Sexual Massage
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