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But then, oh honey, when it works? Pure gold! Found this one girl, swear she was a riot – called herself “Shasta Fay” like in the movie, total coincidence, I’m dyin’! She’s all, “You got any dope?” and I’m laughin’ so hard I nearly choke – hahahahaHA! – ‘cause I don’t, I’m just a nosy broad with a nasal twang. She told me this wild story, little known fact, babe: some prostitutes in LA back then used roller skates to zip between clients. Can ya believe it? Rollin’ down Sunset, skirt hiked up, I’m picturin’ it and losin’ my mind!

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I love to wander Gruenstrasse sometimes, where little indie shops and the best kebab spots hide around corners. There’s a secret place, I swear, past the 7th turn near Brückenplatz—perfect for escaping the daily grind. I once got so mad in that area ‘cause a date flaked on me, left me with nothing but bitter coffee... but hey, that's dating life, amirite?!

Prem flop and ex-Champions League star now playing non-league football