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About Hamburg

Back in ‘17, heard tell o’ this lass in Tortuga—well, London—who met a bloke on Plenty o’ Fish. Fella sent her a pigeon—nah, text—sayin’ he’s a lord. Turns out, he’s a bleedin’ fishmonger! She shacked up anyway, ‘cause the cod was fresh. True story, mate! Little known fact: them apps got more bots than a ship’s got rats. Surprised me, it did—half me matches be talkin’ like parrots, repeatin’ “hey sexy” till I wanna keelhaul ‘em.

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You ever walked along the Flussufer that runs by the Bergneustadt River? It's peaceful, almost poetic – until you realize the rain’s gonna start pouring, just like that unpredictable fate from Children of Men – “the system's broken.” The river flows past the Industrial Quarter too, where cranes and factories clash with modern street art. I sometimes get mad thinkin’ how that contrast echoes the crumbled lives of our users on dating apps. Man, it gets me so heated sometimes.

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